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:iconorthgirl123: More from Orthgirl123


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Submitted on
September 24, 2012
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They called me ugly
so i put on makeup
in the hopes that one day
i might be beautiful

They said i was fat
so i stopped eating
in the hopes that my waist would shrink
and Their hearts would grow

They told me i was weird
so i tried to change myself
distancing me from the girl
i have known my whole life

They told me i didn't deserve life
so i began to hurt myself
in the hopes that somebody would see
that i'm in pain
and that i would become worthy

i took Their scorn
and i tried my best
to become the person
They said I'd never be

but yet in the end
i failed tragically
hating the fact that i'm
who i am

They told me i should die
so one day i finally decided
i'd try to grant Their last wish
to finally get something right

but now i see
that I am worth something
That their words
Are nothing on me

From now on I'll only be
What I was meant to be
And I won't change
For anybody anymore

they will not control my life
I will not let them dictate
my thoughts or my actions
because I will not stoop down again

I will not let them get that satisfaction
I will not let them degrade me
I will not let them morphe the
Beautiful person that is me.

From now on
I am myself
and I am perfectly content
with who I am

and who I will become.
i know i haven't talked in awhile about this, but i'm going to let you all know, in case you haven't heard, my own bullying experience.

from fourth grade to eighth grade, i was bullied by the same exact people, and even faculty. they would reduce me to tears by calling me fat/ugly/stupid/retarded/annoying/weird/etc. everything and anything i did was stupid, annoying and pointless and everything i said was nothing but idiocy. they even took my drawings and made fun of them, criticizing my art and laughing at my poetry. all my faults were picked at until i began to hate myself, and i tried to change who i was. i tried losing weight, i wore makeup, i changed my clothes, my hairstyle. anything, to make them like me mre, was distorted. i slowly lost who i was in that crowd. i quit theater. i didn't sing as loud as i used to. when someone asked me to do their homework, i did it. every night i cried myself to sleep, hoping and praying that they would accept me tomorrow, that people would finally actually give two fucks.

and the teachers were just as bad. every bad grade i got was horrible and i was scum on the earth. i blabbed when i would get nervous, and automatically i was scolded. my makeup was too much, i wasn't wearing the right shoes. one teacher even openly saw the cut scars that were on my arm and chose to ignore them. she deliberately steered clear of me. on several occasions this was also the teacher that would yell at me until i started to cry. my middle school made it very clear that they didn't like me and they didn't want me around.

one day, one of these people had told me i should go die. i was in 8th grade then. and i actually attempted that night. i swallowed a ton of pills in the hopes of finally giving them what they wanted. i felt as if no one loved me, no friends and no one to talk to. i didn't die, i woke up just feeling a little more tired than usual. ever since fifth grade, i have fantasized my death. i would replay how i would die in different ways, by lying on the train tracks near my house, to hanging myself, to slitting my wrists and letting the blood flow out into the water, to overdosing, to shooting myself, to jumping off buildings, etc. i had become so obsessed with death and darkness, but no one would ever know because i had always tried to be so kind to everyone, no matter what i was going through.

a couple of months ago i attempted again, even though i had entered high school and some of the bullying had ceased. but in high school things were even worse- the bullies were getting popular and i was being outcasted. i was deleted and blocked by several people on facebook (and i still am today), they refused to acknowledge my presense whenever they saw me and they basically got to live their high school lives happily. where was the justice? i had always thought high school was where i would be the happy one and they'd get crushed. my motivation all throughout life was "get to high school and things will get better". well, things weren't getting better. worse than bullying, i was just being ignored by most, just simply ignored. and those who didn't ignore me, were secretly talking about me behind my back. i felt so powerless and sad. i began to fantasize not just about killing myself, but going to school with a gun and pointing it at others to make the kids apologize for what they'd done to me, then take my own life. my mind was becoming dark, sad and twisted. i tried again to kill myself, which didn't succeed because i had been found. i was taken to a mental treatment center, where i stayed for a week in serious therapy. there, i met kids who were like me and had similar experiences.

up until this year i have hated myself constantly, and even now i still struggle with nit-picking at my body, my personality, what i say or do. but i have learned that i can do one out of two things: i could let the bullies control the rest of my life or i would get my revenge by living it to the fullest. i chose the latter. to this day, i am striving to be excellent in my education, in social life and in my art and writing. and you know who i have to thank for?

my bullies.

so to everyone in my fucking middle school, thank you for making me feel like shit from 10-15. five years of bullcrap has given me the motivation to not let one day go wasted. i will not let myself fall into a dark pit of pity and self-hate. i am going to pick myself up from the ground and learn that i am worth something, more than they will ever know. i am strong and wonderful and i deserve to be happy, no matter what who i am.

and to all those who are currently being bullied, i know this sounds like a load of shit, but believe me when i say it DOES get better. you can control how your life goes after the bullying leaves. choose to make you a better person. dwelling on what they say will only make you sick and dark, and no one wants to be friends with somebody that doesn't even love themselves. love you for who you are, because there isn't one person out in this world that is like you. you are a beautiful gift from God (even if you don't believe in Him) and you are worth so much than you credit yourself. make your bullies your biggest motivator to make something out of your life and make them regret ever being mean to you. because no one deserves to feel like nothing. you can do it :heart:

and just thought you guys would get a kick out of this: one of my bullies actually asked me out a couple of months ago. ;D dumbass lolol.
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:iconselahthecool:
This Touched my heart. I love this and it made a hurt for all the people who have this. i love how it wasn't a suicide letter or anything like that. It was a over coming and realizing that they mean nothing. Im such a dork and people called me weird but hey im a dork who loves to read and write so they dont even deserve to kiss the earth that i walk on. Or should i say write on. i liked this. I really like how it was so poetic. i really like this. Great job! Keep on writing!
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:iconchryssalis:
chryssalis Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2014
Wonderful!:clap::clap:
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:iconthatpinkwolf:
ThatPinkWolf Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
;p
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:iconshadowkat678:
Shadowkat678 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I needed this. I've never thought of suicide or hurting myself (well, never did it. I hate pain too much.), but I've definitely been bullied and I've definitely felt this way...
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:iconorthgirl123:
Orthgirl123 Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm so sorry you had to go through that :c It's hard. But I'm glad you've made it and you haven't thought of such hard, dark thoughts <3
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:iconshadowkat678:
Shadowkat678 Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks :hug:
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:iconninja27boss:
Ninja27boss Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I legit cried, u r so good!
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:iconmaracherique:
Maracherique Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:clap::clap::clap: i salute you
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:iconmunchkinpups:
munchkinpups Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
may i write this down and present it to my language class if i credit you? 
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:iconorthgirl123:
Orthgirl123 Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
of course you can! <3
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:iconmunchkinpups:
munchkinpups Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
<3 yay
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